Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
