Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
