Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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