My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
