My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
