Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
nutella sex= disaster
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
