hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
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