It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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