Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
