Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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