my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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