Don't make out with my wife yet
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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