took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
