whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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