Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You need Xanax blowdarts
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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