I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
