Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I have already put on my inside pants.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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