you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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