and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
