I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
