Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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