My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
