why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
