I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
