The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
