Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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