We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
