but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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