There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
