New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
