either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
