those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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