she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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