And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
