Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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