I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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