The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
What a dumb baby whore.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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