and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
