I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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