She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
