I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
