she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I cut my penus on the lid.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is that strawberry winking at me??
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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