That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
