Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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