I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
