hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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