And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
