I can't watch pbs sober anymore
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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