Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
