plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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