now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
