YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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