He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
